Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The day I realized I loved my life wasn't the day I hit the lotto. It wasn't the day I met the love of my life and got married and it wasn't the day I gave birth to my first child. The day I realized I loved my life was when in the blink of an eye I realized it could all be gone. It was the day my heart and mind was grieved with fear. I didn't cry that day, I wept, like I never wept before. As my mind filled with skepticism, I wondered if I would ever get to live and accomplish my dreams. I thought about all the small things that once stole my joy. I told God that "this can't happen to me, I still have to use my gift, get married and have the twins." Yet my mind raced back to all the self doubting thoughts that use to consume me because I feared those things would never happen. Without a moments hesitation I told God, "you still have a work for me, this isn't in our plan." Yet, before that moment, there were so many times I was filled with sadness, doubting if there was such a purpose. How did I know these things now that my life was threatened yet doubted them when life was just fine?
48 hours prior to that dreadful day I had shunned God and told him no longer will I believe. But the first name I called upon during this dreadful experience was God. All my life I questioned if God heard me? If he heard my prayers? Yet on this day I prayed and I knew that God heard me. I had no doubt that he heard my prayers through that experience so why did I doubt him all this time? Why did I question his presence all along yet in the time of need know that he would be there for me?.
I thought back to the times I allowed myself to get upset over silliness. I thought back to all the challenges and disappointments that stole my joy. I shook my head ashamed of my previous behaviors and my vulnerable state humbled me and showed me just how much a work in progress I am. It was on that day that I didn't gripe about the people missing from my life; Instead, I clung to the stranger who was compassionate enough to console me through that dreadful moment. Who she was and who should have been there with me were thoughts that was absent from my mind. Instead I was overwhelmed with gratitude that someone...anyone could help in the smallest way.
It was worst moment of my life, a day I will never forget. So many things still left to do, so many people I still have to get through to. Men and shoes, working out and shopping, the activities that were once so important to me became so irrelevant at that point. It was only 2 things I thought about during those dark moments....MY family and MY purpose. In the darkest moments just like that, I realized what was most important to me. How do you worry about leaving a child that you haven't had yet? How do you mourn over leaving your husband that you haven't even met yet? But more importantly....how is your heart overwhelmed with sorrow for not fulfilling a purpose your haven't even clearly identified yet?
It was after that moment that I found faith that I never had before. I found humbleness that I wish I had a long time time ago, and I found myself realizing that I love my life just as it is. On the way home I did something I don't typically do unless I'm traveling for a distance,...I put on my seat belt. I drove the speed limit and I didn't think to yell at the slow drivers in my way, I waited patiently saying to myself...."what's the rush?". I thought about all the people who wronged me and no longer could I remember the hurt they once caused me. I just remembered this amazing gift that I had....MY LIFE.
Today I reflect where I was just 2 days ago and I barely recognize myself. I am happy not because anything special happened to me today, I am happy because I have a good life. God has spared my life on many occasions and that day was no different. I am humbled, I am grateful, and I am at peace. I don't wait on confirmation to believe, because it was at my weakest moment, I realized I believed all along.
Appreciate life, find your purpose and pursue God, the rest will fall into place.
The details surrounding this experience is irrelevant.......the lesson priceless!
Posted by BK Vixen Gone MD at 9:53 PM