My Theory

"Forget what you heard, recognize what you see. I know you heard the here's the real me." XoXo

Monday, May 24, 2010

People Can Take You There

People can be stressful, mean, hurtful and down right stupid at times. It starts off in kindergarten. Boy meets girl, boy hits girl, boy teases girl and girl cries. The habit continues to elementary school with the class bully snd the class clown who ridicules his classmates just for the sake of being funny. By high school, the mean trait is perfected and the inception of 'clics' and 'mean girls' begins.

The boys who use to hit girls, the class bullies, the high school mean girls they all grow up to be mean people. This is the history of how hurtful mean people evolve. Soulless creatures who hurt people for no other reason then their mere entertainment and self gratification. The Bible speaks of these people in Proverbs 4:16, "For they do not sleep unless they have done evil; And their sleep is taken away unless they make someone fall".

It's the mean spirited people that can really take you there. They will steal your joy if you let them, they will take away your smile if you give it to them, and they will remove all evidence of peace in your life if you allow them to. These are the people who can provoke a reaction from you like on one else can, the people that can really take you to a place where you don't need to go.

If you encounter said person the first thing you do is remember the bigger picture; Bite your tongue you keep your calm, then pray for the strength not to send them on on a first class ticket to hell. Dealing with hurtful people is not an easy task, but it is a part of life we must all deal with.

People can take you anywhere you let them, where will you let someone take you today??

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Is Your List Holding You Back

If you ever turned to VH1 and had a chance to watch "What Chilli Wants" you are familiar with her infamous "list". This list serves as Chilli's check off points for all the traits she is looking for in a mate. Some of the components of Chilli's list entail: no smoking, no drinking, physically fit with a six pack, cannot eat pork, must be well endowed, and must be funny. The list includes a few other do's and dont's however, the gist of the list is clear....Chilli's list will keep her single.

It is a well known fact that the more particular a person is when looking for a mate the more they will limit their options. While one should definitely have standards and know what it is they want, when your lists bans pork eaters, smokers and people who are not particularly health conscious one begins to loose focus of the critical traits like: honesty, loyalty and faithfulness to name a few.

The Laws of Attraction states that people will attract exactly what they want. For instance, if you don't smoke and have never been interested in a smoker you typically would not have to put "non smoker" on your list because the odds of a non smoker being interested and approaching you is slim. While this may seems like a very simple concept it is indeed true. Think back to all the people you have dated and liked, how many people fell completely outside of what you was looking for? If you want your mate to work out and be physically fit well, if your significant other sees you working out odds are your workout habits will be a behavior your mate will adapt to.

The people one attracts is a reflection of the type of person they are ultimately looking for. You may not get every single quality you want but you pick and choose what you can live with and what you can live without. If you know who you are and what you want then your check list is a listing of the deal breakers, like religion or not wanting to have children.

Chilli's idea to has a checklist was a great start in identifying exactly what she is looking for; but, if your checklist is similar and includes superficial things like "he has to be 6'2, make at least 80k and drive a Beemer, Benz or Bentley" well don't worry about dating because your list will keep you single. In contrast, if your list reflects the important qualities needed to identify your next date from your next boyfriend and your next boyfriend from your husband then you have a list that reflects your true priorities so let your heart and the Laws of Attraction take care the rest.

Is your list holding YOU back from what you really want?

Saturday, May 15, 2010

What Mask Are YOU Wearing?

The other day I found myself sitting in Barnes & Nobles people watching. I initially was suppose to be doing some research on a new article I am working on however, on this particular day my A.D.D kicked in and I just could not focus. I found myself thinking about the lives of the people around me. What kind of life did they have, were they happy, were they sad? I know what I've been dealing with these past few months, but on that day I wondered what was these people dealing with.

The young girl who looked no more than 15 years old, what was she going through that caused her to look like she already knew life was hard? A mother with a crying baby appeared to have a cool demeanor yet the more her baby cried the more uncomfortable she looked. Trying to help, I told her that her daughter was adorable. She smiled warmly and said "thank you, but you just don't know".

It's no secret that everyone has problems. Problems do not discriminate there is enough to go around for everyone. No ones life is the life they always planned for. We all struggle and wish we could change some of those unchangeable things. It is our personal struggles that should unite us all together yet, the human in us sometimes coerces us to be more interested in the facade. The facade that everything is perfect and that we are indeed controlling life even though that may not be the case.

I sat in the bookstore and I continued to wonder about the skulls and skeletons of the people around me. Was the lady who just walked out on her way to get her third abortion? Was the happy couple in front of me really happy or just happy faking happy? Was the man wearing a wedding band drooling over everything in a skirt, was this his last stop before he headed home? and was the pretty girl wearing a ton a make up, was she wearing it because she liked the look it gave her, or because she needed to hide the look her boyfriend gave her? I also wondered how many people I had once fooled into thinking my life was perfect too.

I will never know the answer to any of these questions but I do know that in some way to some extent everyone is dealing with something. Some people deal with things better than others and some are just a blink away from being pushed to the edge. It is that unknown factor that should make us especially cautious in how we treat people. A smile, a kind word a good gesture goes a long way. A mask will always hide the magnitude of hurt consumed in a person, but although its hidden the hurt is still there. Will it be your words and actions that push them to the edge, or will it be your kindness and generosity which makes 1 day in their life just a little bit easier?.

What mask are YOU wearing, and will you hurt someone today?

Reality TV Goes Wrong With Basketball Wives

Today's society welcomes relatively anyone to the world of reality tv. The most recent inductees are: Chilli, Lisa Raye, Jessica Simpson and Tiny and Toya, just to name a few. If that celebrity list wasn't bad enough the wives of pro basketball players have now been given a show called Basketball Wives.

The show follows 7 woman who are either recently engaged, divorced or grasping the hems of their quickly dissipating marriages. Truth be told without the captioning which periodically appears on the screen these C list woman are basically unrecognizable to the general public. Produced by Shaunie O'Neal, the show depicts some of the common struggles of being involved with professional athletes. Combine cheating men, catty woman, high school drama, and snooty C lister's and you have Basketball Wives. The show has no depth, no learning take away points and quite frankly no purpose. Each week the show is centered around the woman finding new victims to go Gossip Girl on or a husband/ex/jump off to cry and babble about.

The majority of the woman on the show are housewives who do not work and if they do work, its not an aspect the show recognizes too often. The woman are pretty much dependant housewives banking on the luxuries accompanied by professional athletes.

When it comes to reality shows although they all serve the purpose of entertainment the ingredient that typically keeps a show going is the moral to the story. What is the take away point? Is it just watching snooty people indulge in cat fights every week? Shows based on this type of entertainment like Basketball Wives, Jersey Shore, and Real Housewives are in it for the short haul. While Real Housewives has done exceptionally well despite its lackluster message, ask yourself how many seasons will you really alternate your schedule or life for so you don't miss an episode. Reality shows such as Run's House, the Kardashians and sometimes even Real World, have a good message mixed into its 60 minutes of entertainment.

Basketball Wives which is quite similar to the reality show Video Vixens is yet another disappointing show in which Black woman are portrayed as gold diggers instead of professional well respected woman taking care of their business. If this was Shaunie O'Neal's ticket to stepping out on her own to make a name for herself unfortunately she failed. Ironically in trying to become independent her project is still tied back to her celebrity husband and the husbands of 7 other no name woman. A ticket to making her own name would not have included a project that connected Shaunie O'Neal as a wife or ex wife but Shaunie O'Neal as a entrepreneur finding her own niche. At some point one can only hope reality TV will start to follow the lives of real people doing real things worth watching.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Twitter Me This!

Last minute errands and late night cravings can sometimes cause one to inconspicuously leave their house at a moments notice. Fashions statements and thoughts of trying to look cute are replaced with the immediate thought "I'll be right back I won't see anyone". In the old days the repercussions of being seen in the streets when your not at your best only mattered if you was a celebrity. However, with new technologies and society's vain obsessions with beauty and fashion anyone caught at their "not so best" can now be a victim of public ridicule and scrutiny.

One day after eating a deliciously light dinner I found myself craving a Starbucks caramel frappachino. I was in New York visiting my family for the weekend and although it was May the weather was unseasonably chilly. Too cold to brace the streets without a long sleeved sweater my mother insisted I wear her sweater which was three sizes too big for me. Aside from being way too big for me the sweaters' three quarter length and drawstrings at the waist was by far one of the worst fashion statements I could ever make but I had no choice. I matched the over sized sweater with my black traveling sweats and was out the door with the only flat shoes I brought on my weekend trip, leather flip flop like sandals.

I knew the outfit was a mess when I glanced in the mirror. It seemed as each article of clothing merged into one big mess. My traveling sweats which would be cute and form flattering on any normal day now looked frumpy when paired with the over sized sweater. My little leather flip flops which are perfect for quick errands and normally adorable even when paired with my sweat pants now just looked out of season given my long sleeved sweater.

I threw my hair into a ponytail thinking my made up face from earlier would compensate for my bland hairstyle. With a dab of lip gloss at the requests of my family's plea's for me to hurry up, I looked in the mirror shook my head and left. For a split second the thought of me bumping into someone I might know tempted me to throw on some jeans but logic escaped me and I figured it wouldn't matter, I was only going the the Starbucks which was 3 blocks away.

The three of us; my mother, my brother and myself, braved the winds and cold and went to the local Starbucks. Upon entering Starbucks I noticed a girl in line wearing Uggs. On a normal May day, those Uggs would have been ridiculous. Yet on this day, I thought of how cold my own toes were and how I wished I had my my Uggs. Interrupting my Ugg daydream a familiar voice cried out "Lois is that you?" Mortified that I had been spotted I immediately tried to cover up my embarrassment with mindless babbling. I hugged my sorority sister and asked her every question I could think of to take attention away from my appearance. While my plan seemed like the smart thing to do I failed. My sorority sister gave me the once over and said "Oh my, I never seen you in sweats before, I might have to take a picture of this and put it on Twitter". I immediately prayed for a signal failure. Her hands never reached for her phone but even with her kind hearted ways she could not help but look me over with a face that said wow, I have never seen you look like this. It was at that moment that I realized.....I'm vain. Usually nicely dressed wearing stilettos with flowing hair and a trendy sense of style, on this cold May day my fashion sense seemed to abandoned me and I was exposed. My soror and I talked for about 15minutes. It was the longest 15 minutes of my life as I thought about all the people she would tell. I could tell from her continuous assessment of my outfit although she wouldn't do it maliciously, a story about my appearance would be leaked within minutes of our departure to anyone within our common circles.

After we hugged and promised to keep in touch, I rejoined my family. As I sunk into the couch with a smile turned upside down and gazed off as my brother heckled me. He thought it was hilarious that my friend said she wanted to tweet about how she caught me looking a hot mess. My brother and mother continued to laugh and recap the embarrassing moment questioning all while questioning why I cared? Why was I being so dramatic? The first answer that came to me was because I'm vain. I try to always look my best and it has become something people expect when they see me, except this time, I failed. The truth of the matther is that the repercussions of my failure would now result in ridiculing tweets about my shocking appearance.

Today as I sit in Panera Bread with my flowing hair, Ugg boots, trendy jeans and cute pink sweater I can look back on that day and laugh. I feel as if this was a scene on Gossip Girls. Yet, I Wonder, in a society obsessed with fashion and technology, consumed with the thought of looking and being perfect can people afford to been be seen at their worst? In a world in which you don't have to be a celebrity to make twitter headlines or have your own paparazzi any one can be a victim. It happens to the best of us, but for me......never again, especially not in the old New York.

Happy styling folks.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Giving birth does not make you a mother

Mother's day is typically known as the day of celebration and honor for all mothers. Its the day in which mothers are honored for their hard work, their sacrifices, their unconditional love and the nurturing ways that have paved a foundation for a family. Yet, with the soaring number of single moms, it appears as though the reverencing of Mothers is a phrase that is now loosely used.

Oxford dictionary defines mother as "a female who gives birth". Yet, the saying "anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad" applies to woman as well. Any female can be deemed a mom if her decisions leads her down a path to be with child however, a mother is so much more than a woman with child. A mother gives and loves in a way which can never be duplicated. A mother is gentle and kind but can use the rod when necessary. A mother will raise and position her child with all the pertinent traits needed to be a successfully good person. I know this because this is my mother.

Children born out of wedlock is not a new epidemic yet it seems as though it is a decision made more casually these days. Year ago becoming a single mom was a choice made by either a careless mistake, or sheer ignorance of protective measures. These careless mistakes still occur in society now but they are no longer shielded by the excuse of unknown options. These days the options are known and quite often overlooked.

As the number of single mothers steadily rises the term "Happy Mothers Day" is no longer used as sacredly as it was in the past. Mothers day now applies to every woman with child regardless of the parenting tactics these woman are using. Motherhood is a precious gift however, its unfortunate that there are woman who one would never think of as a parent. Woman who are so caught up on living their lives that raising their child has become a secondary responsibility and not a priority. Woman who beat their children in public using vulgar speech and harsh words with an unloving spirit. Woman who are moms because pregnancy was a promising solution to keeping the man they wanted. These are the woman who taken the sacredness out of the well earned recognition of mothers.

Every woman with child is not a mother and it is imperative that we recognize the difference. Let us not continue to use the phrase "mother" as loosely as we have in the past. Let us honor and reverence the woman who are mothers, and let us pray and try to assist those who have yet to arrive at that place.

Happy Mother's to all the real Mothers, you are appreciated.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

10 Things Every Woman Should Do Before..........

One of my mothers favorite quotes to me is "Do it now because when you get married and have a family, you might not be able to do it then." On countless occasions my mother would use that as her response to me when I asked her opinion about about a trip I was interested in or an expensive purchase I was considering. After much thought, I realized there was some truth to her logic. While having a family is one of the greatest gifts a person could have there are quite a few things every gal should do on her own before the hubby and family comes:

1-Take a trip with the girls. Whether you go to Vegas or on a cruise just do it. There is nothing like quality time with the girls, and as we grow older schedules become more and more hectic. There's a big difference in a trip with the girls as a single gal and a trip with the girls when your a mom. Both are fun, but life is short so why not get the full experience of both.

2-Make an investment. Be it a house, stocks, or a 401k. Invest your hard earned money in something. Investments force people to become financially responsible. Come to the table with something of your own. So if your list states that your man must own a home or have a 401K you should have the same requirements for yourself.

3-Wear lingerie. Don't go to sleep in a raggedy T-shirt or boxers. Invest in quality PJ's preferably lingerie and wear it to sleep. Looking good means feeling good and if you can't look good for yourself imagine how draining and unnatural it will feel to have to look good for someone else.

4-Cook REAL meals for yourself. When you cook a meal make sure it is a meal you would give someone else. Don't just pop a microwave dinner in the oven and think your doing something. Brush up on your cooking expertise and make a full meal that your momma would be proud of (meat, starch and veggies). There are several recipe's and cooking shows that have healthy easy to make meals that you can try. Think of it this way, if you can't take the time to make a REAL meal for yourself, how will you be able to do it for a whole family?

5-Make your place a home. This applies to every woman who has her own living quarters. If you rent or own, where you live should feel like home. Decorating your place and keeping a clean house gives you peace of mind. Have you ever noticed when things are going bad and you life feels like a mess looking at a dirty house will only make you feel worst. If you want to organize your life, start first by organizing your home. Men come with many great qualities but decorating is usually not one of them. Make your house a home now, so one day you can make a home for your family.

6-Make an expensive purchase- Buy a high end bag, a nice piece of jewelry, a pair of Jimmy Choo's or whatever floats your boat. Elaborate purchases can make a gal feel nice. The repercussions of elaborate purchases only affects you if you do it now, but if you wait till you have a family, those new Jimmy Choo's might mean little Johnny has to eat P&J for the rest of the month.

7-Take yourself out. Going to the movies or out to eat alone takes guts and confidence. Dining or watching a movie alone is not a sign of loneliness but moreso a sign of independence. It shows that you are a grown woman and you know how to really enjoy time with yourself. My logic to that is, if you won't take yourself on a date, don't expect anyone else to.

8-Host a party. Don't make your husbands Superbowl party the 1st party you ever host. Party hosting is a art every woman should hone in on. If cooking AND hosting overwhelms you, have the party catered or go to your local market and purchase ready made appetizers. There are so many reasons to throw a party these days, so ladies roll up your sleeves and host a game night or a "Sex In the City" marathon party.

9-Travel on Business. The woman in the amazing suit with fabulous shoes, sitting in first class can be you. Traveling on business is a sign of independence, a sign of commitment to your job and to be quite honest its the grown and sexy thing to do at this age. So whether your going to meet a client or attend a conference/training consult your boss about it and be sure not to forget your ultra chic briefcase.

10-Get a hobby. For one to be interesting they must do interesting things. Sewing, cooking, working out, or being active in your community are all productive things you can do with your time. A hobby or activity is not just something to do but is adds character and shows commitment. While your hobbies and activities should continue even when you have a family, the free time you have to commit as a single gal will be much different then the time you have when your married.

My mother was definitely on to something when she instructed me to make this list. I've been fortunate enough to cross off most of the things on the list I still have a few things left to cross off. So ladies step your game up and be the best you, you can be NOW, so you will be even better later.